Back in January I chose 'Happiness' as the theme I wanted to learn about and grow in 2020.

Each year I choose a word or phrase whose essence and energy I'd like to better know and understand. Then as the year goes on, I begin to see what the word has to teach me, which always shows up in unexpected ways— sometimes rewriting my definition and understanding of the word entirely.

For example, I once chose the phrase “Peaceful Heart.” My intention was that my year would be drama free and heart healing after a previous year fraught with transition and heartache. The lessons of peace that I learned that year turned out to be quite the opposite. The year brought more of life’s twists and turns, which helped me redefine my understanding of peace: Inner peace isn’t based on our circumstances, but on developing an ability to trust life and allow life to guide and shape us through our circumstances.

So, I’ve learned that when I choose a word it’s best to release expectation of how the word will play out in my life, and stay open and curious to unusual perspective and novel discovery.

A little bit about 2019…

2019 was a difficult year. The stress of my external circumstances combined with deep internal process work often dampened my ability to feel effervescent and joyful. It was definitely what I call a “growing up year,” and I’ve come to discover that growing up years are not the lightest of years, but they are the most changeful.

I felt those changes within me at year’s end, and I moved into a new decade with the understanding that while I might not necessarily agree with the ingredients the universe gave me to work with in 2019, I couldn’t deny the newfound wisdom, soulful purpose, and lionheart intention that I received from my experiences.

January 31, 2019 found me gleeful: I have never been more excited to finish a year and start a new one.

We celebrated that night by making reservations at an Italian joint on the southside. We walked the cliffs of Poipu before dinner. Had a magical fairy tale princess like of encounter with a lovely donkey and a couple of horses. Watched the sunset streak its way from orange to pink as it descended on the horizon. Ate pizza and pasta and toasted champagne to fresh starts and new beginnings.

Happiness, I decided that evening. My word for 2020 is going to be Happiness.

I remember telling my husband on New Year’s Day: I don’t care what happens this year, I will not repeat the heaviness and darkness of last year. I can’t. And the year did begin with a lightness and quickness of being, I hadn’t felt in a long time. 2020 felt like it was off to a beautiful start for finding happiness.

Once upon a pandemic…

Here we are 4 months later— a third of 2020 gone, and most of the world has been indoors for the past couple months. Uncertainty hovers over. The future unknown. We’ve been feeling things we’ve never felt before, and emotions of grief, loss and anxiety have been coming up for all of us.

For myself, I’ve been doing a lot of thinking, writing and reflecting during this time and distilling my inner truth.

I find it curious that I intuitively chose happiness for this year. And while it certainly is not the easiest time to feel happy, maybe it is the perfect time to understand the concept of happiness in a more meaningful way.

Maybe it is the perfect time to redefine my concept of happiness, reseeding and replanting it in a way that supports my journey.

Maybe it is time for reinvention. A concept I have a good grasp on, since I’ve lived its lessons the last three years after leaving my old Alaskan life in order to come to Kauai and reinvent myself.

Something that I’ve learned from my process of reinvention is that it is our sovereign right and soulful responsibility to rework our world in a way that supports the whole of who we are. To cast off old molds and outdated concepts that no longer serve our truth. To live at a self-honoring pace, where we respect our knowledge of self, trust our intuitions and inclinations, and heal ourselves through the intelligence of our heart.

I placed my hand on mine this morning and asked: what do I need to know about happiness today?

As always, my heart had wisdom to share:

“True happiness isn’t something you feel, true happiness is the act of being whole. True happiness is the continued work of freeing yourself from all the things you are not, so you can become who you really are. The path to true happiness will not always make you feel ‘happy,’ but it will free your heart to become your highest expression, and there is immense joy to be found there. “

Rewriting happiness…

It occurs to me that though difficult it may have been, perhaps my 2019 was just part of the path to true happiness. A path that I keep recommitting to every time I say yes to the leading of my heart, because I know that choosing anything less is ultimately going to leave me feeling pale, empty and malnourished.

I want to know the Divine Mysteries. I want to better understand the Heart of God, Universe, Spirit. I want to live in deeper rhythm with Mother Nature. I want to keep finding my brother in higher ways on the other side. I want to see who I’ll become if I dare to leap and say yes to the wild crazy dreams inside of me instead of playing it safe in my old life.

I want- no, I need- to behold myself on a deeper level, so I can keep becoming something that I can’t entirely imagine, since I’ve never experienced it, but I can feel a new being wanting to spring forth from me.

These are the reasons I moved to Kauai. These are the reasons I set out on my journey of reinvention. And just like my initial musings about my word of the year often teaching me in unexpected ways— I have spent the last 3 years experiencing all the things I wanted new knowledge on in completely unexpected ways.

Life on Kauai has not gone the way I wanted it to go, but I do believe it has gone the way it needed to go to help me become the person I needed to be:

You can’t hold space for a roomful to people to experience authentic heart transformation if you haven’t undergone your own authentic heart transformation.

You can’t write about transmuting emotional suffering and grief into spiritual growth and light if you haven’t undergone your own transmutation process.

You can’t teach people how to find, trust, nourish, and heal by the light within if you haven’t come face to face with yourself in your own darkness and found a way to bring in light.

Happiness as wholeness…

As I write these words I’m feeling inspired to see ‘happiness’ from more holistic perspective. Not as an illusive singular force, whose ultimate destination signifies an arrival or achievement. But as a living, breathing entity who emboldens and empowers our hearts every time we dare to strive for joy, beauty, truth, and light— especially in the face of difficulty.

When I write it through that lens, I can clearly see that while I haven’t always felt happy these last few years, I’ve actually been emboldened and empowered by happiness a great deal.

I’ve made choices in alignment with the truth of my soul. I’ve stayed open during dark times in order to dive for my light and find new pearls of wisdom that transcend emotional pain. And I’ve continued to become a deeper, more nuanced, more healed and whole being in the process.

Perhaps the breath of happiness has breathed new seeds into me during these growing up years. Perhaps those seeds will flourish in time with water, joy and sunlight, and my emotional body will catch up to what my heart has known all along:

“True happiness isn’t something you feel, true happiness is the act of being whole. True happiness is the continued work of freeing yourself from all the things you are not, so you can become who you really are. The path to true happiness will not always make you feel ‘happy,’ but it will free your heart to become your highest expression, and there is immense joy to be found there. “

There’s something uplifting about reframing happiness as wholeness. I’m feel reinvigorated and inspired as I finish these words, gazing out the window at the trees waving in the jungle breeze, looking like friendly green giants. Noticing the interplay of sunlight beams shining on the hanging crystals in my window, creating a dance of rainbows on my office floor. Contemplating the day ahead:

A run up to a nearby stream, a trip to the pet store for some necessary dog and cat food and cherished time away from quarantine, time spent in quiet reflection thinking about what happiness truly means.

(If you enjoyed this post you may also enjoy: Leaning into The Unknown. For more words and wisdom sign up for my free monthly letter Intuitive YOU).