Life went and did it to me again this past season – broke my heart that is.

Not in the capital H Heartbreak kind of way, but more of the lowercase variety, which has reminded me that smaller heartbreaks can also be painful.

I’ve struggled to find the light quite a few times this last season.

It’s not the first time I’ve struggled, and I know it won’t be the last, but I do know from previous incarnations of struggling that if we can just stick with ourselves and stay with our process, a time will come where the light begins to break through.

It broke through this morning as I was surrendering my laundry list of concerns and challenges to the universe and simply asking that it all be shaken out and laid out in the best way possible.

Sometimes we work our light in powerful ways that call for aligned action, persistence and powerful creativity.

And sometimes we work our light in quiet ways through the graceful cede of surrender.

The sky was a movement of clouds, gray, and small pops of blue, as I walked the dogs this morning and offered my concession to the universe.

I don’t know what’s best in this. I can’t see my way forward. I feel like I’m efforting and forcing, and I don’t want to do so if this isn’t right. I need help. I need resolution. Show me the best way through.

Later in my journal I reflected on how I often see the world as I wish it could be and as I know it could be – I hold a vision for the future based in peace, equity, beauty and flow that doesn’t always match the current reality or systems put in place to support that reality.

I’ve got a big, beautiful heart with bold dreams for myself and our world, and I have learned along the journey that big, beautiful hearts with bold dreams are going to get their hearts broken more often than somebody who is living small, safe, and closed.

Maybe that sounds like a painful way to be in the world – to allow yourself to dream so big that you risk the hurt that might come from things not working out the way you hoped.

But I submit that the force of Love is bigger than any break and will always help us find a way to reweave our hearts into an even more extraordinary tapestry than they were before, which actually creates more energetic space for our dreams to magnetize and anchor into us.

Living brave and true as an energetically sensitive individual is not for the faint of heart. It is for the strong of spirit who trust the light they have within will always be big enough to see them through any darkness.

I purposed my darkness today from this last season, as I stared at the cherry flora and the endless sea of jungle green outside my office window.

I purpose this all to love, I said.

I offer all the messiness I’ve been experiencing lately, the emotional chaos and angst, the stress and fatigue, the sense of working in a system that feels like it’s designed to benefit the few and not the many—

I purpose this to love, as I offer my experience of self as a prayer for all who are struggling to find the light in their difficulties.

Choosing to purpose my pain is something I often did on my grief journey when I lost my brother Brent, and I would offer my silent suffering on behalf of all who hold silent grief.

I believe in transmutation, and I believe that when we take something we are experiencing individually and use it to increase consciousness, compassion, and interconnection – it transforms our experience into something more than it was before.

It allows us to transcend. Even if just for a brief moment.

I had that moment this morning. On the stack of pillows that I sit on during my morning journaling and spirit time. A few sips of coffee left, a small scruffy white dog asleep on my right, a big wiry wolfhound asleep on my left – I finally found what I needed within me to offer myself on behalf of others.

It felt right. It felt good. It felt like I searched for the buried light and I found it.  

Maybe that’s the hidden light in this time. Sometimes we don’t understand the meaning and we have to create our own meaning and through the act of creating meaning, we create light in a situation where it didn’t previously exist through our willingness to reach for love.

I’ll be curious to see what transpires over the next couple weeks, as this has definitely been a season of change and I know more light will come from it.

I learned a long time ago that we don’t have to beat ourselves up when we’re in the thick of chaos, overwhelm, and we aren’t our best selves.

We just have to retain a small seed of belief that this too shall pass and when it does we’ll begin to discover all these juicy gems of growth and insight that came from that time, which help us to continue to become a fuller expression of self.

A yellow butterfly just flew past my office window as I wrote those words. The colorful beat of her wings seeming to say—

Beautiful things can come from seemingly difficult times. 

If you enjoyed this reflection you might also enjoy Let It Be Messy: An Invitation to Trust or Golden: Savor The Struggle.

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Be love. Be well. Be you. Be magic.